Dave Beavers
The glass is half full, but there’s probably arsenic in it.
Hello, my name is Dave Beavers, not to be mistaken for David Beavers, some douche bag who beat me to the punch on the website name. He sucks, I wouldn’t even bother going there. I’m a much more interesting person, and if you’re going to read about someone with an ego large enough to make their own website, it might as well be me. But if you would really like to know what this website is all about, please read my Mission Statement. I don’t know where this new project will take me, but I think it’s safe to say you don’t care, and fuck you for thinking that. I’m not the pathetic bastard who has actually wasted his or her time visiting this ridiculous site. Get a fucking girlfriend (or boyfriend, we try to be openminded here).
Did you like that arsenic quote? Me too. For more insightful observations like this, please visit my weblog, "Useless Crap" to which I have not contributed anything for months. I would prefer not to go into why that is, thank you very much, but here you will find what was bothering me in the months between last April and June. It was a turbulent few months, and I was there to capture it all for posterity’s sake. And did I ever. Lose yourself in a blissful tale of Tom Delay’s indictment. Reminisce over the fun we shared as a nation watched a set of talented baseball players deceive the United States senate. And don’t miss those all too precious entries where I waxed poetic about whatever was bothering me during the hour when I wrote it. It was one hell of a ride.
Here’s a picture of Paul Cezanne’s painting, “The Great Pine.” Isn’t it great? (and aren’t I cultured? Speaking of which, here’s a list of books I have read)
And here’s a nifty little poem written by Cezanne to go with it:
The tree shaken by the fury of the winds Stirs its stripped branches in the air, An immense cadaver that the mistral swings.
Poetry and painting, this guy has the total package. I can barely take a piss these days without making a mess. But that’s another story for another time, so let’s just enjoy this rather great pine tree.
It’s a nice painting and all, but as an artist, I feel I must do my own interpretation. I think even the layperson can see what I’m trying to say about society here:
Here’s a table I made of no particular importance:
| I HATE | I LIKE | |
|---|---|---|
| NOT VERY MUCH | Ryan Sechrist | christmas |
| SORT OF | Cancer | Jews |
| A LOT | “Country” singers | cookies |
Here’s a picture of a spinning baseball. I hate baseball. Why couldn’t I find a picture of a spinning tennis ball? I like that sport. (Notice how I’m cleverly inserting information about myself in here under the guise of experimenting with this site, so all you ladies out there can get a good idea of what “The Director” is like. Yes, that’s my new nickname. Deal with it.)
Here’s a list of sites where you will soon be able to read my prolific works:
Northwest Regional Educational Laboratory
Here’s a list of websites and organizations that have paid me vast sums of money just to be associated with my name and site. Endorsement of these sites does not necessarily signify my approval. As a matter of fact, I really don’t approve of anything that diverts attention away from me, which is where it should be, but you should see how much they paid me. So here you go, but don’t go for long:
The Portland Challenge (I helped design this one, so feel free to spend as much time here as you like)
The House of Peace and Love (Coming Soon)
Portland To Taiwan (If you’re going to Taiwan, and you want to know what NOT to do)
Justin Montgomery's Site (For references and useful suggestions from the most conceited prick in Oregon)
The Bowpicker (To avoid castration from my friends who would rather you call them “Foodies”)
I like peanutbutter, what do you like? I think if this thing’s going to work, we have to learn something about each other. I would give you my home address, but I always have problems with stuff like that. So, instead, I’m going to give you my super secret email address, so you can write to me and let me know what you do and don’t like. So click here to send me an email.
Links to stuffs I don’t want to lose
Dave's Mixed Tapes: Among the younger generation I’m known to be a bit of a rock ‘n’ roller. I played a wicked guitar in the early days, but gave it up when a nice man at the bus stop let me know that indulging in music filled with lust and other earthly temptations meant a one-way ticket to hell. But I like to partake in the occasional vice as much as the next guy, so I’ve been making mixed tapes, complete with information that they won’t tell you in the trade mags.
Useless Crap: While I remain busy with my travels and various enterprises like feeding hungry children in Africa, I don’t let it keep me from playing my role as a moral leader. In “Useless Crap” I take on the big guns in Washington, tell it how it is in America, and never waver from the belief that I have the ability and the means to make the world a better place. Warning: This website is not for the faint of heart.
